A Dad's Wedding Speech....

    November 3, 2012

     For those of you who don’t know me I’m Phil,  Aimee’s Dad and on behalf of my wife Sharon and I, I would like to welcome you all here today to celebrate the marriage of our daughter Aimee  to Tony.

     I would like to welcome Tony’s parents, Steve and Donna, his brothers and grandmother, as well as all of our relatives and friends. I know a lot of you have traveled considerable distances to be here.

     Many of you have my met my son, Adam, who was severely disabled in a near drowning at a summer camp over 14 years ago.   A special woman in Adam’s life who had the uncanny ability to decipher his thoughts, once told us:  Adam says  “Love means showing up and being there, even when you don’t have to….”  It is with his sentiment that I welcome you.

   Thank you all for coming, it’s very much appreciated.

THE WEDDING

     As father of the bride I have the pleasure of making the only long speech on this magical day…

     I have given much thought about what to say or not to say. For those who know me, I speak my mind, my truth and really don’t censor much.  I often can’t complete a sentence without a profanity thrown in for effect.  But, I promised that I would be behave this evening.

However, for myself, it is has been over 31 of marriage years since I was allowed to say anything without being disagreed with, laughed at or ignored, so this is too good an opportunity to miss.

At the end of the day, it is my speech and I can say what I like.

MY DAUGHTER AIMEE

This is the point where I am supposed to say a few embarrassing things about Aimee when she was younger but unfortunately she has been a perfect daughter. I do know, however, that over the course of the evening, after a few drinks, Aimee’s friends will share more than you want to know.  I am also anxious to hear about those moments from my princess’s life which have been hidden from me with care.

Suffice it to say that Sharon and I are both very proud of how she much she has accomplished and how she has grown up and we are both delighted that she has found someone who she obviously loves and cares for very much.

Aimee is our first child and I can attest to the fact that it was a long and memorable birth…with emphasis on very, very long…

When we spent months in ICU with Adam  in 1998, an elderly and crippled physician pulled Sharon and I aside.  And, as if he could foretell the future, he simply said…”Remember, always, that you have two children…”

We never forgot those words, and I guess that’s how Aimee became a princess.  Despite whatever difficulty we faced, Aimee was always given the best … she was our daughter and our love.  Aimee has made us very proud. All parents want their children to have a good education and give themselves a good start in life.  Aimee accomplished that and we’ll be paying for quite a while.  Today, I look at my daughter and I see an independent, attractive, elegant, stunning young woman. She obviously takes after her mother.

Of course she inherits other traits from me…

·       her cooking…

·       her like of one or two small drinks…

·       her ability to induce others to clean up her messes…

·       her obsessive compulsive need to control…

·       her allergy to people’s bullshit…she, like dad, both have built in detectors and reject that which is false and pretentious

·       her appreciation for the finer things in life (though we disagree about the meaning of finer)

    She learned compassion, sympathy and a zest for living from her brother. She has learned about unconditional and unwavering love from her mother.  She gets her intelligence and drive from both mom and dad…that is the politically right thing to say!

    And, she has well learned about the intricacies of politics from her love, Tony!  Thank god, we’re all on the same page!!!  (four more years!!)

TONY

     Every Father hopes his daughter will find an accomplished, sensible, loving and compassionate  partner and as much as you try not to interfere in their lives, you always hope your children will make the right choices in life.  Aimee, thanks to the power and intention of universal energy, chose Tony.

   I have found that Tony is compassionate, sensitive, loving, intelligent and one hell of a singer.  I am so impressed by Tony’s ability to engage Adam…this a trait and quality of humanity that I rarely encounter in many people.  It is for those and many other reasons, that I welcome you and your family into ours.

     Tony, I hope that you will be able to keep my daughter in the lifestyle to which she has become accustomed and desires.   I’m not sure that either of us knows or understands the depths of princess-hood. To help you with your marriage, I thought I would give you some advice based on my 31 year experience of married life.

    Marriage will teach you many things… loyalty…self restraint…obedience…I am still in daily training on these matters.

     There is no challenge in a marriage that can’t be overcome by one or more of the following:

·       I was wrong!

·       You were right!

·       Yes Dear

·       I love you!

     Finally, never go to bed in the middle of an argument – be a man, stay up and fight and watch some sports or play Angry Birds. You’ve lost anyway, so you might as well get it over with.

    I would just like to leave you with this thought…

     The actor Richard Burton once said that ‘a woman accepts a man for what he is and then spends the rest of her life trying to change him.’… So, if we can all take one last look at Tony as we know him because Aimee’s remodeling work starts first thing in the morning.

Finally, this day is magic.  I believe in magic.  I see magic in their eyes, in their touch, in their embrace …they are magic unfolding in front of us.  It’s the way things should be!  It’s the way things are meant to be…magic!

The Wedding......A Time for Magic

       My daughter, Aimee wed Tony Iannotti on November 3, 2012.  It was a day of magic, awe and wonder.  Sharing a few photos of the day:

Pre-Wedding Preparations

Groomsmen with Aimee and Tony

Bridesmaids with Aimee and Tony

Mon, Dad, Adam and Aimee

Mom, Dad, and the uber-groomsman (Adam)

The Moment

Our Princess!!

Now, Mr and Mrs. Iannotti

One of many floral arrangements (this one for the vows)

Post Wedding breakfast

Dealing with pre-nuptial anxiety

The products of pre-nuptial anxiety



THE BLESSING GIVEN BY THE FATHER OF THE BRIDE (me)

Apache Wedding Blessing

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other. Now you are two persons, but there is only one life before you. May beauty surround you both in the journey ahead and through all the years, may happiness be your companion and your days together be good and long upon the earth.   Treat yourselves and each other with respect, and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficult and fear assail your relationship – as they threaten all relationships at one time or another – remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives – remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

In the middle of the party that never ends.....Aimee, Tony, Juli at the Coonamesett Inn
Falmouth, MA 

The Slippery Slope Argument ....or the Camel's Nose: MA Question 2

       People die.  Our parents die, our siblings die, our children die, we all die....  It may be the final end, it maybe a transition, it maybe the prelude to the next life, it may be heaven or hell ... no proofs, just a wide disparity of beliefs.  I wrote extensively about Question 2 earlier in the month.

      Massachusetts voters are considering a ballot initiative in less than a week:  Death with Dignity, Physician-Assisted Suicide. Lately opponents are placing political ads on the tube which parallel the lies and distortions of the presidential campaigns.  Vote no: because no family would be around, because no physician would be there, because no psychological evaluation is mandated. Vote no:  because you break apart 100 seconal capsules, dissolve in water and drink.  Vote no: because of the slippery slope:  the terminally ill, then soon the disabled, then soon anyone a burden to society, then....we are the Netherlands.  This I believe stems from a rampant sense of unreal projection.       

One pernicious category of imaginary risks involves those created by users of the dreaded “slippery slope” arguments. Such arguments are dangerous because they are popular, versatile and often convincing, yet completely fallacious. Worse, they are creeping into an arena that should be above this sort of thing: physician-assisted suicide for the terminally ill.

"The Slippery Slope is a fallacy in which a person asserts that some event must inevitably follow from another without any argument for the inevitability of the event in question. In most cases, there are a series of steps or gradations between one event and the one in question and no reason is given as to why the intervening steps or gradations will simply be bypassed. This "argument" has the following form:

Event X has occurred (or will or might occur).
Therefore event Y will inevitably happen.

This sort of "reasoning" is fallacious because there is no reason to believe that one event must inevitably follow from another without an argument for such a claim. This is especially clear in cases in which there is a significant number of steps or gradations between one event and another." The Nizkor Project

There is no evidence for the "slippery slope" or "camel's nose" argument in any place in the United States which has approved the "Death with Dignity" initiative.  Disability advocacy groups oppose Question 2, often on the basis of "the slippery slope" argument.  The disabled are not terminally ill; to equate disability with terminal illness is an insult.  Terminally ill people are often disabled to some degree.  There is no necessary or appropriate equation between the two states of living.


The lack of safeguards is an argument more reminiscent of a "salami slicing" strategy.  True, there does not need to be family nor a physician present and 100 capsules of seconal are dissolved in water and drank.  Some dying people would want family there to say a final good-bye; others might not....so what?  It's part of choice.  Play into people's fears to defeat an initiative?

How can this deception occur? Look to the money funnel: "In order to launch their "no" campaign, they (opponents) accepted critical seed money from two anti-gay groups: the American Family Association and the American Principles Project. The American Family Association was named a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center for their extremist actions, "including publicizing companies that have pro-gay policies and organizing boycotts against them."

Two requests for a lethal prescription, another witnessed request in writing, a determination by the physician that the patient is mentally competent to make medical decisions and a review by a second physician. A psychiatric evaluation may be required if needed. And a confirmed diagnosis of terminal within 6 months.  Quite a series of safeguards!

Yes, doctors make frequent mistakes.  Terminal in six months could translate to terminal in 6 years.  The lethal prescription is an option when life is intolerable or pain unrelenting and intractable.  I would doubt that many would choose to use the script if they are moderately ill or in manageable pain. People given the prescription do not always use it.  People know when death is near.  People know
when they can no longer tolerate life. This experience is quite subjective.  Hospice and palliative care are not ALWAYS an answer nor a solution, but a compliment to physician-assisted suicide.

"However, when looking at the statistics from Washington and Oregon, it appears that terminally ill patients are not choosing the DWDA program as an alternative to hospice care but as a compliment. The majority of patients who ingest DWDA medications are also enrolled in hospice care; 83% in Washington and 97% in Oregon." Barton Associates, Locum Tenens Experts, 10/29/2012


If you are opposed on moral or ethical grounds, do not prevent people of differing ethics or morality from the exercise of choice. If you advocate for the "slippery slope" position, realize that this is a philosophical and epistemological fallacy...."extraordinary claims require extraordinary proofs" (Hitchens, C)

A good life should lead to a "good death."  No person should be forced to endure a "bad death"; no person should be deprived of choice because of the fears of some.  Yes, I acknowledge that good people will disagree, but do not allow disagreement to preclude choice of a "good death."

Comments are disabled; tomorrow is Aimee's wedding then will post pictures.
       

Gone.....(Sandy, that is...)

       Sandy came and went from Cape Cod!  80 mph gusts of wind, one-tenth of an inch of rain, mucho coastal flooding and we did not lose electricity or INTERNET!  Someone is taking care of us!  Today, clear skies and sun!

High tide Monday at peak of "hurricane"

Making a Case For......

Motherly love, fatherly love....

America has a shameful history of cutting off people with disabilities from the rest of society by sequestering them outside their homes in "group homes" , or consigning them to isolated, often squalid institutions. 

106,000 persons with developmental disabilities lived in public and private institutions and more than 1,300,000 elders and persons with disabilities lived in nursing facilities in the year 2000. In addition, data on the outcomes of consumer-directed mental health services and intensive case management models show that most of the 58,000 persons currently confined in psychiatric institutions could be supported in their own homes in the community. The persons who fill the more than 800,000 licensed board and care beds in the United States could also live in the community (Olmstead, Reclaiming Institutionalized Lives)

Motherly love, fatherly love, family love, so-called religious people who love....no person with disabilities should ever be institutionalized, ever.  In a society, as great as ours pretends to be, we should be able to care for those who need the most, and they don't need much other than genuine care.  There need to be no institutions for the disabled (except for the most severely medically compromised) as long as there are parents, families, religious believers, humanitarians. 

Our glass of wine, our vacation, our free time, our right to rest, our need to have our own life, our belief that we should live unfettered of human responsibility ... all denigrate the value of human life.

"Of course, indifference can be tempting -- more than that, seductive. It is so much easier to look away from victims. It is so much easier to avoid such rude interruptions to our work, our dreams, our hopes. It is, after all, awkward, troublesome, to be involved in another person's pain and despair. Yet, for the person who is indifferent, his or her neighbor are of no consequence. And, therefore, their lives are meaningless. Their hidden or even visible anguish is of no interest. Indifference reduces the Other to an abstraction."  Elie Weisel, 1999

We need an ethic of care and compassion as evidenced by the reality that every disabled person is lovingly cared for in a home.  Without this ethic, our society, our religions, our faiths are a sham and a disguise for our indifference.  We must close institutions and care for our own species without excuse and without a reason that we cannot.  It is our imperative as humans!